I want you to imagine your image of an actor. Majority of people will think of some artsy pompous weirdo or an outgoing confident beautiful human specimen.
I have wanted to be a performer since I was a tiny spawn of Satan (did you know Satan is auto capitalized?) I started drama school on the weekends at four and did every school production possible. I studied Drama at college and began a degree in drama. Before IT stopped me.
Now I have generalized anxiety and social anxiety. Not really the sort of conditions you pair with an actor. However, a quick google will show you a lot of actors have them.
I am finding it very hard to follow my passion with my anxiety at the moment. A few weeks into my Drama degree I had a break down and basically have been doing nothing. Well not nothing. I signed up for things and planned to audition for drama schools and when it came to time to go to them. I panicked and hid under my covers.
The thought of going into a room of new people was horrific. The idea of travelling or performing to be judged made me physically sick and now I feel like a failure.
I miss acting. I really do but at this point I feel with my illness I will never be able to get anywhere near my dream. After all one of the things they tell you about being an actor is you can’t be embarrassed. The idea of being embarrassed makes me want to peel all my skin off.
What I suppose I’m try to say is that being an actor is my dream and my brain is ruining it for me and I feel useless.