Fear

“Don’t be afraid of your fears. They’re not there to scare you. They’re there to let you know that something is worth it.”
― C. JoyBell C.

Fear seems pretty constant for me. Anxiety is almost like a constant niggle of fear in the background of life. I have quite a few fears ranging from strange to normal, big to small.

I’m fearful of; wasps and bees, hallways, telephone conversations, getting lost, being late, failure…. the list goes on.

Some of these fears I face daily and have been tackling them a step at a time, like phone conversations. Every now and then you need to call someone to pay a bill or make an appointment and to me, this is a process of about forty-five minutes of building courage and finally making the dreaded call. Other things like meeting new people tend to happen not so often but I still have to push forward with the same amount of energy if not more in order to do something that makes my chest hurt.

That’s the worst part of fear. The physical reaction. For me it’s chest pain and tears, the chest pain is like a dull ache in my heart, or my lungs not working properly and the tears never come but it feels like they will just at the back of my eyeballs. This presents its own fears. The fear of seeming weak or not in control of my emotions.

I think that some of my fears don’t really have origins that I can pin point like long hallways. (P.S it’s definitely not the Shinning.) However others I can think of the exact situations that caused them. A fear of crying in public was from all the times I was told I was a cry baby and I was crying crocodile tears made me feel as if crying is some sort of thing to be ashamed of. Probably why it was so hard to admit I was depressed. Or my fear of meeting new people was from my past bullying which made me feel insecure and worthless. My lonely childhood making me think I’m not interesting enough for people. (Which also leads to me lying a lot, I’m working on this.) My fear of drunk people coming from having an alcoholic Father.

What I think I’m trying to say is yes some of my fears may seem stupid to you but they have their own backstories. Their own demons. Every day I fight these evil voices telling me to run and hide and sometimes I win, other times I lose. That’s Ok. Because I’m trying and that’s really all we can do, is try and fight the demons and hope to win. Someday.

Thanks for reading

Nancy x

 

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