Working and Mental Illness.

“I’m having one of those rare days where I love people and all of the amazing wonder they’re capable of and if someone fucks that up for me I will stab them right in the face.”
― Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things

 

WARNING!!! MENTION OF SELF HARM

Mental illness will fuck with your day and when your day consists of a job or school it really fucks with you.

I realised how much my depression could affect me in October when I began to self-harm. Working in the pub I worked in at this point consisted of long hours, poor training which led to stupid mistakes and unsociable hours. My anxiety hated that job and when I suddenly had to work day after day without a break my depression reached a level it had never before.

I’d had bad depressive periods during my school years but this was definitely worse.

I would even go to the toilet in the middle of my shift to harm myself because that’s what gave me relief and allowed me to continue working even when I probably shouldn’t have been.

Suddenly everyone on staff was leaving and I finally realised that I needed to get out before it got worse.

Things got a little better from here till I started a University course later that month and again I was in a place I didn’t feel good being. The thought of being there was crippling.

I was still self-harming to get by. Mostly because I felt like if I couldn’t do something normal as going to class or work I was weak and if hurting myself was the answer to my “problem”then that’s what I had to do.

It still took me a while to learn my lesson and a breakdown to again make the smart decision to leave.

Now I was lost and again my depression and anxiety spiked. I took the time to recover from my last breakdown but I suddenly realised how unprepared I was for life without education/a schedule set by someone else.

I’m glad to say that my self-harming habits are much better. Not completely gone but better.

Working and education are made harder when you suffer from a mental illness. The stress and pressure put upon you are crushing and the need to be a functioning human is so great that you try so hard to “get over it” you  forget about your mental health.

I like my new job but it’s still hard. I can’t work days on end and sometimes I have days where the thought of going to work makes me physically ache.

There’s a balance somewhere. I know there is. A balance between my health and work/education that will work for me.

Thanks for reading

Nancy x

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2 thoughts on “Working and Mental Illness.

  1. Cece Alex says:

    I struggle every day with this. I’m doing teacher training at the moment and although I don’t self harm, I do have days where I just wish I could die rather than go to work. It’s tough. I’m not sure that I’m going to make it through to the end of the year but we’ll see! Love your blog by the way xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • LostinLife says:

      You may want to seek some professional help either in your school or with your doctors. There’s always someone to talk to and support you. Thank you for your kind words. I wish you the best. X

      Like

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