“I’m having one of those rare days where I love people and all of the amazing wonder they’re capable of and if someone fucks that up for me I will stab them right in the face.”
― Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things
WARNING!!! MENTION OF SELF HARM
Mental illness will fuck with your day and when your day consists of a job or school it really fucks with you.
I realised how much my depression could affect me in October when I began to self-harm. Working in the pub I worked in at this point consisted of long hours, poor training which led to stupid mistakes and unsociable hours. My anxiety hated that job and when I suddenly had to work day after day without a break my depression reached a level it had never before.
I’d had bad depressive periods during my school years but this was definitely worse.
I would even go to the toilet in the middle of my shift to harm myself because that’s what gave me relief and allowed me to continue working even when I probably shouldn’t have been.
Suddenly everyone on staff was leaving and I finally realised that I needed to get out before it got worse.
Things got a little better from here till I started a University course later that month and again I was in a place I didn’t feel good being. The thought of being there was crippling.
I was still self-harming to get by. Mostly because I felt like if I couldn’t do something normal as going to class or work I was weak and if hurting myself was the answer to my “problem”then that’s what I had to do.
It still took me a while to learn my lesson and a breakdown to again make the smart decision to leave.
Now I was lost and again my depression and anxiety spiked. I took the time to recover from my last breakdown but I suddenly realised how unprepared I was for life without education/a schedule set by someone else.
I’m glad to say that my self-harming habits are much better. Not completely gone but better.
Working and education are made harder when you suffer from a mental illness. The stress and pressure put upon you are crushing and the need to be a functioning human is so great that you try so hard to “get over it” you forget about your mental health.
I like my new job but it’s still hard. I can’t work days on end and sometimes I have days where the thought of going to work makes me physically ache.
There’s a balance somewhere. I know there is. A balance between my health and work/education that will work for me.
Thanks for reading