Mental health is complicated and can make you do some pretty strange things. Here are 10 things that I do because I suffer from depression.
- Not want to turn off my podcast, youtube videos, tv etc. at night because silence is deadly to a depressive.
- Isolate myself. Stay in my room and stay in my safe zone.
- Complain and moan a lot about a lot of small things that stick to my brain and I can’t get rid of.
- Take multiple medications every day. Anti-depressants and sleeping pills. If I stop taking these or have to cut down to switch it hits me hard.
- Want to hurt myself no matter how stupid I know that is or that it’s a temporary relief that sometimes I want to make it permanent. No matter how much you can tell yourself how selfish that is and how much it will hurt your family and friends it is still so tempting.
- Sleep during the day because I was staying up trying to distract myself from my dark thoughts.
- Not be able to enjoy the times I am happy because depression is always lurking. But, the good times feel so much better because they’re not the bad times.
- Put makeup on even just to walk the dog or stay home watching planner videos on YouTube because it makes me feel good and like I’ve done something.
- A LOT. Hot showers are great and relaxing and feeling clean is amazing.
- Talk, read and write about mental health.
Before I was told I had a mental illness I hadn’t heard about it in a way that explained to me what it could feel like. I wasn’t told about anxiety or that you can be a high-functioning depressive. That mental illness isn’t the same for everyone. Not everyone will try and kill themselves and it’s not just hormones. I needed information and I was let down. I took online tests that would tell me I was depressed by I didn’t know how to get help or if I could. I was ashamed at first. I thought I could make it go away. But I couldn’t.
I don’t want anyone to feel like that. To feel that alone and confused about their own thoughts and emotions.
So, I speak about my depression, about my meds and the times I’ve cried on buses. I tell my teachers, work, friends and family because it’s an inconvenience to them but to me, it’s a constant.
I fight a civil war in my brain between happiness and depression every day and that makes me a badass bitch.
Thanks for reading