The last two weeks have been a trip!
I had my first real bad depersonalisation episode and it was so weird. The feeling of not really being in my body was worrying and it was really hard to make myself do anything, which leads me to my next mental wall at the moment.
I have been procrastinating so bad. I made all these promises to myself about college work and revision which have gone undone. I can make excuses but deep down I know that I could be doing a lot better and doing a lot more. I want to write more and read more! I can’t just be afraid of doing something because of failure or persuade myself that watching Study-With-Me videos on YouTube is productive.
My job and money have been giving me anxiety and depression. The thought of always struggling with money and working myself to near death like my parents have made me think if it would be easier to just end everything. Go to sleep and not wake up. I haven’t acted on any of these thoughts. I also have managed to resist the urge to self-harm.
Thankfully I had the foresight to throw away my tools so have had no way to really do what my brain is craving me to do.
I did, however, discover that I have scars on my thighs. Being so pale I must not have noticed until the sun came out and the contrasts of outside an indoor light made them visible.
It hurts me that I did that to myself and I hope to stay on this no cutting path I’m on.
Look after your brains.
Thanks for reading,